Is This a Problem to Solve? Or a Tension to Navigate?
An awkward silence fell over the mediation room. I looked at both of the parties and asked them a question that I had been turning over in my mind; "Is this a problem that we can solve or a tension we'll have to navigate?"
The parties looked at me, then turned and looked at each other. "That's exactly it, Jason. This isn't a problem we can solve."
There's an old saying when all you have is a hammer; everything looks like a nail. We've all been there. The amount of times I've tried to use a hammer simply because I didn't have any other tools available to me is astonishing. Even when I knew that the hammer wasn't the right tool for the job, there I was, hacking away with my hammer, growing more and more frustrated that I couldn't fix the problem.
Problems can be solved. Conflicts can be resolved. Tensions can only be navigated.
I was teaching a workshop when suddenly, this big burly guy raises his hand. I called on him, and he said, "Holy crap, Jason, I just realized why my wife always gets so pissed at me."
Uh oh, I thought, where the heck is this going?
"Every time my wife starts talking," he continued, "I'm so focussed on fixing her problems, I don't actually hear what she's saying. And here's the thing, Jason, she doesn't want me to fix her problem anyway. She just wants me to listen to her day! But I'm so focussed on giving her advice to solve the problem; I miss most of what she's actually saying!"
If all you have is a drive for resolution, everything looks like a problem to be solved.
Problems can be solved. Conflicts can be resolved. Tensions can only be navigated.
We love to solve problems. It gives us a sense of accomplishment, creates value for those involved in the problem, and makes us feel important. The more problems we can solve, the better we must be doing our job! We do it all the time in our organizations, communities, social circles, and even in our families. It would do us a service if we sat down and asked ourselves a question before we started jumping in - is this a problem to solve or a tension to be navigated?
It seems that we are having problems having tough conversations in our world today. Whether it's a conversation about politics, Covid-19, parenting, religion, take your pick, it's all become divisive. Some of it, yes, is a problem that we can solve. Others, though, really are a tension that we have to navigate. Take my wife and me as an example. We have two very different parenting styles. While she favours rules and schedules, I fall on the impromptu activities and "rules are meant to be broken" side of things. It's not a problem that we can solve. It's who we are in many ways, and we've had to learn to navigate that tension through many tough conversations. Believe it or not, navigating that difference of personalities has strengthened our marriage and our family unit.
Problems can be solved. Conflicts can be resolved. Tensions can only be navigated.
As you sit there having your morning coffee or tea, ask yourself some questions:
Where am I trying to solve problems that are unsolvable?
Where in my life am I spending more time in monologue than in dialogue?
Am I better at solving problems or defining problems?
How can I decipher the difference between a problem to solve or a tension to navigate in my life?